retraction

so today when i wrote the previous entry i was really depressed, but now everything has changed (ps thats another thing about this damn culture shock is that you feel like a manic schitzo with ur mood swings)...after writing the entry i met up with my friend katie who i met in spanish school and we went out for coffee...the thing i really like about katie is that a)she is the best listener ive ever been friends with b)she has led a life completely COMPLETELY different from mine to the point that we probably shouldnt get along as well as we do and c)she reminds me of julie and as most people know its really hard for me to live without julie bc she is my heterosexual lifemate so having katie makes me feel like a part of julie is here :)

anyway from my talk with katie i feel 1000 times better. we talked about everything from childhood to the ugly teen years to boys to girls to travelling...all the good stuff. and from our talk i philosophized and made a few decisions and i always feel better when i philosophize and make decisions :)

something that came up in our convos has been a reoccurring theme in my life as of late...everything you feel and do is a choice. though you cannot control your circumstances, you can control how you approach those circumstances which gives you power over yourself and your emotions. so today i was upset but then i chose not to be and guess what? im not...its strange how sometimes it can be that simple.

convos like this remind me of rama because she was the one who introduced me to the concept of choice over your emotions and because she has had to deal with some of the most difficult circumstances in life...circumstances that she does not wish upon any one else...ever...but the fact that she has come out as well as she has makes me so inspired and proud to be her friend...its been almost a year love and look how far you´ve come...and you know no matter what kel and i are here for you...

this makes me realize how much my friendships help me grow...some help me grow in more serious ways than others but all of them help me figure out who i am and what i am doing in life...for that i am eternally grateful.

the good and the bad

there are always good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, etc. this just happens to be a not so good week. this weekend was supposed to be great and fun and relaxing but in fact it was just the opposite. and of course as we all know when it rains it pours, and of course my mind chooses this week to feel really out of touch with people from home...like i have no idea whats going on in my friends' and family's lives and they have no idea whats been going on in mine and that disconnect is just so depressing...i miss just shooting the shit with julie and having rachel tell me a story about the trivial hilarity that occurs in her life...i miss my having incredibly dumb and incredibly inspiring conversations with rama and kelly all within the same 5 minutes...i miss elise and rdtizzle and the comfort i feel when im with them...i miss my cornell aiesecos a ridiculous amount...the fighting, the making up, the hilarity that ensues when all our differing personalities are placed together in one room with a hookah and buanra...

i love my friends here in ecuador tho...the problem i dont have many in quito so i have to wait until the weekends to see them. i just miss comfort and the independence i have in the states sometimes...also the family situation doesnt make things any better...im just glad im only living in the house for about 8 more days in total when you count in mexico, semana santa and peru...

speaking of mexico i am beyond excited! hopefully seeing familiar us aiesecos and meeting some amazing international ones will pull me out of my funk...plus the csr focus couldnt hurt!

ok im done now...i just needed to get this out in the open so that people could know where i am and how even tho i am having an amazing experience this is still life...it still has its ups and downs.

holy shit.

I realize that i dont have much time left here...i know ive said that before but its REALLY hitting me now...after tomorrow i have exactly 1 full week of CEED work left! Thats because i leave next Thursday for AXLDS in mexico (thats right baby...im fuckin stoked...yea i just said stoked...get over it) and then when I come back its like 2 days before La Semana Santa which is the week of easter so schools out and people travel to be with family. This is also when the guayaquil crew is coming to visit good ol quito for 4 days (yay!)...then after this i have one week left before i leave for peru...

As i look back at everything from the past 2 months i cant help but feel like my being here didnt make a difference...i mean i kind of updated the website and made the t-shirt design (tho the tshirts havent been made yet but lets not talk about that bc im just BEYOND frustrated about that shit) and revamped the powerpoint for the trainees that come and made a few sales calls none of which have come to fruition as of yet...but i have little that is tangible to show. That frustrates me bc as much as i like ambiguity i like tangibility when it comes to my efforts and work, esp in aiesec! The thing is my lack of tangible productivity is not completely my fault...its the fault of the LC as well...when i got here they had already completed about æ of the work i was supposed to be helping out with and then assigned me stuff to do that they had not previously asked if i had the skills to do it (aka the damn website) and clearly couldnt do on my own...a birdy once told me that this is a consequence of doing a CEED and that you have to be proactive and make your own work...which i did but then when i needed help with getting my hands on certain information or documents it took weeks (sometimes even months) to get a hold of it...this was because a) no one from aiesec gave it to me even though i repeated asked for it for a few weeks straight and b) bc .net sucks balls (no offense to whoever invented .net...its great in theory but in actuality its crap to navigate)...

So i guess thats my little vent/rationalization of my CEED experience...i want to mention tho that it was NOT a complete waste of 2 months so far...ive learned so much about PBoXes and sales and promotion and AIESEC in latin america and all the jazz (not to mention about my existential self) that i will proactively bring back to my LC...so what i lack in tangible productivity i will make up in the coming 1 (maybe 2 if i stay on for a masters) year(s) at corn-izzle.

Ok so if anyone is planning on coming to ecuador for the purpose of learning spanish, i HIGHLY recommend the Simon Bolivar schools...for the past 3 weeks i have been taking lessons there and my spanish has GREATLY improved...like i cant explain how well i can understand and how much better i can speak now...in fact i spoke in front of 2 classes today to help promote aiesec (its their recruitment time)...and as much as i was nervous i found my self very capable of speaking and thinking on my feet in spanish...its making me so excited that i can kind of speak spanish...i remember when i was a junior in high school i made a resolution to myself in the shower one day (where i make all my resolutions) that i would learn to speak spanish fluently and when im older and have a family i would raise a bilingual household...and its weird bc im definitely taking the first step! And i wont let myself forget spanish either...ive been trudging thru the third harry potter in spanish and i have isabella allende’s hija de la fortuna waiting for me back in new york...also sr. maas and i were talking about next fall we will having spanish/csr happy hour during the scheduled LTMs to resist going to the LTMs because we are no longer leadership team, so of course that will help us both maintain our spanish...

Because this experience is winding down im looking back at how different i feel now compared to my first weeks...and as much as my first few weeks were beyond difficult i dont regret a thing...every decision i made has helped me become who i am right now ahorita at this moment...and i dont regret one second of the past 2 months.

Thats a good feeling.

public transit

so ive been yelled at quite a few people in the past few days for not updating this thing, including mr maas who send me an email calling me a punk, so now im updating it and speaking about public transporation here in ecuador.

local bus: when theres not a lot of people on the bus it is actually quite peaceful...but when there is a lot of people on the bus it can be absolute torture depending on where youre sitting and who is sitting/standing next to you. when youre standing you cant help but push your crotch into other people's area...is totally unavoidable...and if you are like me and have what we like to call ''tatas'' it can get very uncomfortable when you are standing next to a seated man bc most of the men here have no reservations about staring....as for sitting...i used to prefer an aisle seat, but after a few bus rides and a few too many crotches rubbing up against my shoulder and (depending on the height of the individual) face, i decided window seat is better...but at times it can be worse. if you have someone sitting next to you who desides to spread eagle or is a tad to ''gordita'' then it can be that much worse. also on the local bus people get on the bus and start belting a sob story (the border trouble between columbia seems to be a fan favorite) or performing something (a blind man who really couldnt sing for the life of him once sang a love song on the ''aguila dorada''...i didnt know whether to cry, give him money, laugh or be mad at myself for laughing bc its really insensitive) or selling candy, water, CDs, monopoly games and many other random unnecessary items. all in all its not that bad except during rush hour.

taxi: with taxis, you have to negotiate a price beforehand in any city in ecuador. quito not so much because most have meters, but if you dont negotiate you will be paying a significant amount more. when negotiating, if you are gringa like me you need to step away for the taxi so that he doesnt know youre getting in it because otherwise he'll charge you more...in fact my friend silvana hid me behind luggage in guayaquil when she was talking to the taxista because he could have charged a good 2 bucks more if he saw me...but if you have the money taxis are the best way to travel!

trole: this is a type of public transit in quito that is always packed at all hours during the day...ive been here for 6 weeks and i have never gotten a seat on the trole, but i have gotten myself a good amount of stalkers, attempted pickpocketer friends and sleezy male compliments. all in all the trole sucks and if you can avoid it i would def recommend it.

intercity bus: word of advise: watch yourself. here is where i have had the absolute worse experiences in ecuador. none that are dangerous...just ones that can scar you a little bit when it comes to the male race. the last time i took the bus to guayaquil it started out just as horribly as it ended. i went to the terminal and looked for a bus and one guy was shouting ''guayaquil guayaquil'' and so i went up to him and he got me on the bus. i was being nice as i usually am bc in my country if youre not nice to weird strangers you could end up with a flesh wound on your arm...but here being nice to a strange male means ''make out with me''...or at least to this male because when i was sitting on the bus and he was leaving he goes in to kiss my cheek which is customary here but then slid to the right and STAYED THERE...it was horrible and i immediately said ''no me toques'' and pushed him away with all 4s...then during the trip before the shock wore off another guy sat next to me and was horribly flirting with me the whole time...i couldnt listen to my ipod bc everytime he tapped me and said something else dumb like ''you should come here with me this weekend'' or algo asi....then when he finally left the bus attendent guy came and sat next to me smelling of horrible BO (and for those you that know me you know how much i HATE bad smells) and kept saying ''ill go with you to salinas'' (ps i wasnt really going to salinas but i said that bc i didnt want him to follow me to montanita) and things like that...needless to say it was horrible. MESSAGE TO ALL FEMALES: when travelling alone this is who you are: you're (fake name) from (fake place) and you have an ecuadorian boyfriend (you are NOT single and you do NOT have a boyfriend in the states bc these 2 phrases are cues for ''come and have me'') named (ecuadorian name)...for example my name is jenn and im from england and i have a boyfriend named manuel, jose, andres (it tends to change bc i never remember which one i said the time before)...


so thats my public transit experience here in ecuador...dont worry mom im not in any danger...there are many people around me and none of them are violent...plus most men are short here so i can easily take 'em.